Note: This article, by Dr. Sandra Wartski, Psy.D, was originally published in Psychology Today.
Envision a positive mindset for one of the most complex and important jobs.
Key points:
Parenting is an incredibly important job, yet it often feels elusive due to its continuously shifting responsibilities. There is virtually no training, qualification test, or pay; yet we all want to do our best in raising our children.
The number and variety of parenting books, coaches, websites, webinars, and online influencers is exploding. The availability of information certainly has its advantages, and there is power in knowledge; however, more information can lead to conflicting ideas, genuine confusion about the “right way,” or straightforward overwhelm. Long gone are the days when parents only had the pediatric Dr. Spock book or grandmothers to reference.
There are, however, several mindsets that likely can be agreed upon by just about all of the parenting experts. Highlighted here are visualizations of eight letters of the alphabet chosen to represent primary domains that are known to be crucial for all children.
The Foundational Base of ABC
The A represents an A-frame of safety and security. Children don’t need a large or grand home, but they do need a home that is protective and has some semblance of structure. Kids need stability, and this is provided with steady routines and reliable schedules. They benefit from knowing that they don’t have to wonder if they are getting picked up after school, that they will be tucked in, and that meals are provided. Flexibility and spontaneity are valuable, but a foundational sanctuary is key. Having systems in place give children the knowledge that they are well cared for and that they matter.
The capital B might be envisioned as a set of glasses, representing the need for children to be seen. Parents have multiple competing demands on them as they navigate the busy days of raising a child; however, children knowing that they are noticed, admired, and cared for is critical. Hearing a child shout out, “Mommy look!” or “Daddy, watch me!” is the quintessential example of how important this process is for children to be seen. Even teens, who often seem to disappear into their own worlds, are often still craving parental awareness of their needs, successes, and opinions, though the timing of these moments needs more fine-tuning.
With looking at the letter C, we may be reminded of an ear, and this may prompt us to uphold the pivotal skill of listening to our children. While there are times when we might need quiet or put limits on interruption, parents also need times when they are actively attending to a child’s thoughts, ideas, imagination, feelings, worries, and questions. Parents may have advice to give and share, but most parents need to make more space for listening time as well. Asking questions that shows interest, curiosity, and compassion for their input helps children to grow in their confidence and maturity overall.
High-Five With an E
A handful of steps from the foundational ABCs is found in the capital letter E. This E might be envisioned like a mouth with a steady stream of encouraging, positively-oriented verbalizations that support our children throughout the moments of growth. As referenced in the basic foundation of ABC, parents clearly need to support, see, and hear their children; however, parents also need to provide a well-timed supply of even-keeled feedback and verbal encouragement. Children sometimes do need guidance and redirection, but they don’t generally benefit from long-winded lectures. Words matter, and using more positive language, tone, and intention will be much more effective and empowering in the long run. The “Way to go!” and “I’m proud of you” and “I like how you handled that conflict” are all verbal equivalents of a high-five for our children, and all humans benefit from this.
Visualize a V
An image of a V can represent the changing shape of the guardrails we must provide as parents. When our children are very young, we hold them close. This stage requires intimate supervision, with generally fewer decisions to be made, but closer guardrails in the sleep-eat-diaper-change phase of life. The love story with our child is just beginning; we are at the bottom of the V. As development continues, we allow for increasingly more autonomy. We provide a safe, secure harbor while gradually allowing the child to move into the world. We are slowly expanding the V-shaped guardrails, giving them increasing latitude, decision-making power, and responsibilities as they age while holding solid boundaries at each stage. We strive for Goldilocks-just-right margins: not too wide, not too narrow. Some children frequently bump up against those boundaries, while others hardly get close. Ongoing monitoring of such boundaries helps kids move from just surviving to thriving – and slow, steady growth upward and onward.
Keeping the End in Mind with XYZ
The X marks the spot on a parent’s heart, as children create an incredible, indelible, invisible mark on us forever. Remembering this deep love and connection might be especially important when we might be in a moment of not particularly liking a child’s behavior or angry with things they may be saying to us. Tougher moments can sometimes be eased just a little bit by zooming in to recall the way in which our hearts are forever marked by their existence and then zooming out to remember that the love is really the most important part of the equation, no matter what is going on. Our love for children is stamped into our hearts boldly and unapologetically, and coming back to this clear, calm, centered, and laser-focused thinking is key – especially during times of trouble.
The shape of a Y may remind us of an intersection, and this is an ideal way to consider approaching the hundreds and thousands of moments of decision-making required in the role as a parent. These intersection moments often feel so difficult and momentous, but much of the time the decisions of everyday life may not be as significant as it feels in the moment. There are so many “right” ways to parent a child, and parents are encouraged to find their path and move forward – without getting stuck in thinking they need to keep coming back to retrace their steps repeatedly, second-guess themselves or be continually obsessing about what other parents may or may not be doing.
The Z likens a zig-zagging line, and this reminds us visually of the way in which childhood, child development and real-life children are often back and forth continuously. There may be advancements forward one month, followed by apparent backsliding the next. There might be skills that feel advanced and mature accompanied by behaviors that appear regressive. This is normal. Inconsistency is a consistent part of the journey, and accepting, as well as expecting, this will be most ideal.