Note: This article, by Dr. Sandra Wartski, Psy.D, was originally published in Psychology Today.
A few metaphors to help improve interpersonal effectiveness in times of distress.
Key points:
When people we care about get angry, reactive, or generally dysregulated, we can feel confused, defensive, and irritated. Their out-of-proportion volatility may have been triggered by something small that happened or it may come seemingly out of nowhere, but the reaction is big. And this can be exasperating.
There are some ways to cope with this distressing behavior, but first consider these two caveats:
Reflect on the Haystack, Not Just the Needle
An angry loved one may be focusing on the disappointment or perceived injustice of the moment, but often there are many more underlying issues. Awareness of this is akin to considering the context of the haystack and not just the needle of the moment.
Many older therapists learned a saying in graduate school that went something like this: What is hysterical is often historical. Although we no longer utilize the outdated label of hysterical as frequently as we had in previous decades, the basic concept still stands. If we are witnessing a strong interpersonal reaction, we need to consider that some of the influence is likely intrapersonal (internal) in nature.
Were old wounds triggered, reminding them of something or someone in the past? Are specific vulnerabilities in play—are they tired, hungry, or stressed about other things? Is some other internal distress being displaced outwardly, possibly anxiety leading to other-blame, or unknowns leading to seeking control? When we step back to consider possibilities, even if the person themself is not able to consider other influences in the moment, we can often be a bit more compassionate.
Stay on the beach
Another helpful metaphor for these situations is figuring out ways to get back on the beach. This does not refer to taking a vacation on the beach (though that certainly could also be a positive intervention, either in imagination or in reality), but rather to visualizing getting off the loved one’s metaphorical surfboard.
Rather than ride the ups and downs of the emotions with them, it is generally better to step back, regroup, and watch safely from afar. If we are similarly dysregulated and swallowing ocean water, we are not helpful to our loved ones. But if we can gain some perspective and get securely grounded ourselves, we can then offer up more gentle, calm support. Let’s instead offer some space, some soothing reflections, and maybe a life preserver when they are ready to come ashore.
Stepping back with pause allows us to respond rather than react.
Consider the Dashboard Light
When there is a blinking light on the car dashboard, this generally indicates something internally needs attention, such as low gas or an oil change. Getting a car wash or a detailed paint job won’t address the problem. This might seem like a fix because it helps something look good on the surface, but it does not really address the underlying issue.
A loved one may demand something that may feel to them to be the solution, but often true resolution is not so clear in moments of stress. “Why won’t you do this little thing for me?” or “I just need $50” may seem to your loved one like the answer, but this can be like getting a car washed when it actually needs gasoline.
We are not good mind readers and we can’t know all the internal experiences of another, but maintaining awareness of underlying possibilities can help guide us to know what we will and won’t provide. Lectures or long-winded justifications about our responses are neither required nor recommended in that moment, but we can stand firm in recognizing that we are not obligated to provide the surface-level quick fix that is possibly being demanded.
Our loved one may not understand, certainly not in the moment and maybe not for a long time, yet we can remain grounded in awareness.
Use Bubble Wrap
Just as we might use bubble wrap when mailing or storing a delicate item, using a metaphorical bubble wrap for ourselves is often necessary in these difficult situations. It can be very challenging to be insulted or yelled at by someone we love, so finding a way to give ourselves some extra gentle padding can be helpful.
Using bubble wrap might mean creating some distance, finding ways to vent safely to others, or shifting to more soothing activities for a while. This does not mean we have stopped caring; this means we need a break and some tenderness infused into the situation.
Remember the 3 C’s
One of the sage sayings from Al-Anon relates to holding onto the 3 C’s when managing a loved one with alcohol use issues: We didn’t cause it, we can’t control it, and we won’t cure it. This notion applies to so many circumstances beyond substances, and we can borrow the wise words of the 3 C's as we navigate tricky times with others.
Taking on self-blame is not helpful. Sure, we can take responsibility for something we may have said or done that was insensitive or inconsiderate, but taking on blame for the overall outcome is not helpful.
We are also never truly in charge of someone else’s behavior or vocal cords. We can say what we will or won’t do in response to what they might say or do, but assuming that we can control them is likely to be an exercise in frustration and futility.
And, yes, we can assist the person in finding treatment options or drive them to an appointment, but we can’t ultimately force them to fully immerse and invest in the process of recovery or seeking out a cure.